[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
You Might Also Like
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?