Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
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*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
And that about sums it up.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.