My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
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9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults