*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
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In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message