Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
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I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Beware of the dog..
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.