They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
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Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”