I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
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[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
i think both sides are to blame here
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
How to properly lift a body
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.