If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
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Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
O Wise One….
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients