As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
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*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
They grow up so quick
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.