[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
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this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.