people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
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*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy