Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
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Dolls on drugs
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.馃槀
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
God: you鈥檙e an elephant.
Elephant: dang i鈥檓 pretty big!
God: you鈥檙e actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I鈥檓 into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol