“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
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ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Please do it!