People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
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Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor