[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
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Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Come back with a warrant
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.