I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
You Might Also Like
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
reviewed some movies recently
me doing my best
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
True statement👍😏😁