You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
You Might Also Like
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
My Sentiments Exactly
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”