Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
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HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
fair
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Are you ok, human???
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”