Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
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what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*