tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
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Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.