you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.