drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
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flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?