WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
choose your fighter
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.