My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
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so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Stop.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Gemma Correll
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
WWE is French for “yes”