A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
classic mixup
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol