I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
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I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.