My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
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I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.