I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
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*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No