[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
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My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
british sex workers really pound for pound
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I thought this was funny lol
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.