Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
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I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF