I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
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“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Guy who likes music
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.