I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Salad is the decaf of food.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Running your mouth is not cardio.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐