We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
You Might Also Like
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*