Yet the one time I did, I got banned
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I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.