The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
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Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef