My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
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If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
New tinder profile pic
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.