YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
You Might Also Like
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I have many caverns
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
kevin is now a local weatherman
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.