Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
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[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Choose your fighter
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it