Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
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I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Generation gap…
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.