*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Not today. 😅
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.