A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Just a phase…
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?