Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
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I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee