“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
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I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
plums roundup
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?