Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
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911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs