My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
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I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
😂😂
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”