I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
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stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
There is no “ea” in Tim.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.