we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
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is frankincense just very honest incense?
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’