cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
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I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”