You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
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back to work
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.