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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
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16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
yeet
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.